and then the sharks arrive ([info]mousapelli) wrote,
@ 2005-04-01 02:14:00
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Current mood: is my hair out?
Current music:BLAM!

fic, Harry Potter, And Then The Dark Lord Went Blam
Title: And Then The Dark Lord Went Blam
Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for exploding lubricant.
Summary:I think the title says it all, really.
AN: This is the most [info]musesfool's fault that anything in the history of things being [info]musesfool's fault has ever been. Our brains are swollen with ass tea.

And Then The Dark Lord Went Blam

Harry Potter, the Trophy Concubine Who Lived, staggered out of the Dark Lord's chamber covered in ichor. The sound of a rather wet explosion had brought several key minions of Voldemort running.

Remus Lupin, Lapwerewolf to the Throne, was first on the scene, and caught Harry just before he tumbled to the ground, barely even thinking about how these stains were never going to come out of his leather trousers. Good thing he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Harry, what's happened?" he demanded, shaking the boy's shoulders. Harry was wearing a dazed expression.

"I have no idea," he murmured, eyes glassy. "He was putting on the lube, and he murmured the usual sensory enhancement charm, and then…BLAM!" Harry fluttered a hand helplessly.

"Blam?" Severus Snape, Official Brewer of Lubricant and Other Necessaries, appeared at Remus' shoulder, cape snapping dramatically. Glancing back at it in irritation, Snape barked a Finite Incantatum to end the Dramatic Wind Charm Voldemort insisted on having blowing down the corridor at all times. "Now, what's all this about the Dark Lord going blam?"

"Lube," Harry offered weakly, raising a hand to his brow and smearing the ichor around. "Charm…blam."

"Blam?" Lucius Malfoy, Head Minion and Nefarious Activities Coordinator, came pelting down the hall. After a horrified look at Harry, Lucius threw open the chamber door and shrieked. "My Lord!"

"Excellent!" Snape's eyes glittered in triumph. "My latest lubricant was a complete success!"

"You did this, Severus?" Remus asked. Harry gave a weak moan, and Remus patted his back soothingly. Really, these trousers were so ruined.

"I brewed it specifically for the Dark Lord," Snape announced. "Merlin knows I agree with him about the Mudbloods, but he was slashing my ingredients budget. Something had to be done."

"But I don't understand." Harry gave a watery hiccup. "You gave that tube to him last week!"

"The ingredients are extremely volatile," Snape informed them. "They can only be mixed in tiny amounts, reducing the chance of a successful combustion. Still, when combined with the charm that our Lord preferred, the lubricant had a thousand-to-one chance of igniting."

"A thousand to one!" Lucius wailed. "There's no way he could beat those odds!"

The End [blam]


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[info]musesfool
2005-04-01 07:26 am UTC (link)
*dies laughing*

GIVE MY ASS TEA!

BLAM!

*is dead of the funny*

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 07:35 am UTC (link)
Remus Lupin, in whose name the Dark Lord had every cardigan in Britain Banished to the South Pole to be nested in by penguins.

maybe if you're lucky, this will start a whole trend of explodinglube!fic. It might become the new wingfic.

[blam]

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[info]musesfool
2005-04-01 02:48 pm UTC (link)
Woo! Banish those cardigans! We hates them, precious.

[blam]

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[info]laylah
2005-04-01 02:41 pm UTC (link)
*giddy* You are insane.
...and this is the first HP fic I've read in months, and I can't stop giggling. Yay!

[blam!]

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 05:54 pm UTC (link)
because you have so much room to talk about fandom crack *giggles*

haha, thanks! One minute we were talking about how there isn't enough spontaneous combustion in fic, and the next thing i knew...

[blam]

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[info]gmth
2005-04-01 03:16 pm UTC (link)
*giggles insanely* I love their titles, especially.

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 05:55 pm UTC (link)
bwaha, me too! S'one of the perks of being a Death Eater, you get to pick your own title.

thanks!

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[info]dementedsiren
2005-04-01 04:38 pm UTC (link)
Far too amused to be coherent. Want to do naughty things to you and [Bad username: musesfool"] both. Instead, will laugh uproariously.

*laughs*

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[info]dementedsiren
2005-04-01 04:39 pm UTC (link)
Because, you know, the thing I get off on the most is sexing up Unknown LJ Users Whose Names are Bad. Tres kinky, oh yes.

But I think I'd rather do something naughty to [info]musesfool in this case because she inspired the crack.

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 05:56 pm UTC (link)
Bad Username, bad! *cracks whip* you've been such a naughty username...

haha, Victoria completely deserves any resulting naughtiness, this was all because of her and her desire for more spontaneous combustion in fics.

thanks! *g*

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[info]ramen_addict
2005-04-01 05:52 pm UTC (link)
*can't eat her pizza for all the giggling*

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 05:57 pm UTC (link)
*g* that was the goal all along.

[blam]

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[info]ramen_addict
2005-04-01 06:06 pm UTC (link)
You are wicked and cruel and I shall die of starvation! Or perhaps dehydration! Or both!

[blam]

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[info]fantomeq
2005-04-01 06:15 pm UTC (link)
This is truly the end to HP 7. *Loves, dies*

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 10:14 pm UTC (link)
wouldn't that be fabulous? *giggles*

thanks!

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[info]pre_raphaelite1
2005-04-01 07:42 pm UTC (link)
Here on rec from [info]musesfool. And god, this is hysterical. Bloody good thing I didn't have my tea yet or it would have been across my moniter. The story itself is great, but their titles... and Really, these trousers were so ruined. *laughs more*

There must be an icon made with "Lube...Charm...blam." "Blam?" "Blam!" *dies laughing*

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 10:18 pm UTC (link)
haha, thanks! Just because one turns into a slavering beast once a month is really no reason to destroy one's wardrobe needlessly.

There must be an icon made with "Lube...Charm...blam." "Blam?" "Blam!"
i think one could do a perfectly good animated one that resembled an [Adult Swim] bump.

Dear [Adult Swim]: Lube..Charm...blam." -TrophyConcubine419

TrophyConcubine419: Blam? -[Adult Swim]

[Adult Swim]: Blam! -TrophyConcubine419

[blam]

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[info]pre_raphaelite1
2005-04-01 10:32 pm UTC (link)
*laughs* Exactly! Now if only I were talented in the animated icon making department.

Just because one turns into a slavering beast once a month is really no reason to destroy one's wardrobe needlessly. Isn't that the truth. *snorts*

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 11:20 pm UTC (link)
you mean like this?

*has way too much fun with the icons today*

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[info]pre_raphaelite1
2005-04-01 11:39 pm UTC (link)
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Okay my husband just came running in at the squeal. *fidgets in guilt, still snorting with laughter, until the husband leaves again*

Yes, exactly like that! You are bloody brilliant! *pauses in impish thought* But what comes next? What gushes of brilliance can follow exploding lube? What kind of hysteria can be thrust upon your readers in the wake of Dark Lord ichor? *raises an eyebrow in mock challenge*

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[info]caedesdeo
2005-11-22 11:39 pm UTC (link)
You made that into an icon? Do you still have the icon?!!
*worships*

My sides hurt from not laughing. Must not laugh in uni library, must be strong! *splorfling like mad*

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[info]mousapelli
2005-11-23 12:26 am UTC (link)
yup and yup.



*g*

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[info]caedesdeo
2005-11-23 08:19 pm UTC (link)
Thankyouthankyouthankyou!
*hugs*

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[info]phoenixw
2005-04-01 07:44 pm UTC (link)
Ahahahahaha!

Darn good thing he was, erm, disengaged at the time. That could have been very unpleasant for the Trophy Concubine Who Lived.

And leathertrousers!Lupin! Hah!

What's really perversely funny is that at first glance your icon resembled a tampon. Exploding!tampon!

Or...not.

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 10:20 pm UTC (link)
Darn good thing he was, erm, disengaged at the time.
HAHAHAHA! "Please disengage concubines before using".

Thank you! Lupin in leather is a big button-pusher for me as well.

Exploding!tampon!
er, right then. carry on.

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[info]mattador
2005-04-01 08:03 pm UTC (link)
Just goes to show that you should never mess with your personal pharmacist.

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-01 10:21 pm UTC (link)
haha, no indeed. All purveyors of topic ointments should be respected at all times.

*g* and i like your icon.

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[info]mattador
2005-04-02 05:28 pm UTC (link)
Thanks! Made by, um, *checks* contessa_art, that's it.

Yours is quite amusing as well.

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[info]st_aurafina
2005-04-02 12:51 am UTC (link)
*goes BLAM! with laughing*
Oh, my. The Trophy Concubine Who Lived? Brilliant!

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-04 03:03 pm UTC (link)
*g* thanks!

Harry's good for something anyways.

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[info]amanuensis1
2005-04-02 12:58 am UTC (link)
*capers and FREAKS* Eee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!!

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-04 03:03 pm UTC (link)
i thought you might enjoy this...

...shades of your Smutmas fic, right?

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[info]amanuensis1
2005-04-04 03:12 pm UTC (link)
Oh, it is, it is! "Lapwerewolf to the throne"! *capers some more!*

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[info]nolivingman
2005-04-02 01:24 am UTC (link)
*can't breathe for laughing*

That was brilliant fun.

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-04 03:04 pm UTC (link)
*g* thank you! like I said, completely [info]musesfool's fault.

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[info]alexandralynch
2005-04-02 03:47 am UTC (link)
Oh, my god, my stomach hurts from laughing...blam! Oh, wonderful, perfect sendup of all the concubine fics...loved it....(still laughing....)

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-04 03:04 pm UTC (link)
Thanks so much! I always enjoy a good crackfic.

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[info]istalksnape
2005-04-02 11:20 pm UTC (link)
that made my day so much. omg. just blam!

<3

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[info]mousapelli
2005-04-04 03:05 pm UTC (link)
*g* glad to hear it! Thanks!

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[info]wtfbrain
2005-04-05 02:01 pm UTC (link)
Brilliant! Alas, poor Lupin's ruined trousers. Something must be done about that...

[blam]

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[info]aetas_lupus
2005-07-25 11:49 pm UTC (link)
My day is also made. *still laughing her ass off a few minutes later*

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[info]ryunosuka
2007-03-17 01:15 pm UTC (link)
One ordinary day, eating an ordinary packet of fritos drenched in lemon curd and whiskey...

BLAM!

*cough hack cough hack bleh dies*

The end.

It was fabulous. Poor trousers. I'll send a new pair to him. *angst*

(Reply to this)


[info]dude_youfugly
2009-06-01 11:35 pm UTC (link)
BLAM IS MY NEW FAVORITE WORD :D

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