Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for what is the most gloriously disturbing fic premise of all time.
Summary: Everyone wants Shoon to help them out. Shoon wants to kill whoever started it.
AN: HOW DID I WRITE THIS?! During a conversation with snowqueenofhoth about Lolita complexes, she informed me there was a show called MILF Island, the premise of which was "20 MILFs, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules."
I claimed that was essentially the premise of the Ya-Ya-yah Show. AND THEN THIS HAPPENED.
Set sometime in 2004 I suppose, before NEWS debuted.
ETA: Chiharu says that I am thinking of Midori-san, not Julie-san. GOOD JOB, SELF. Way to humiliate yourself. FIXED NOW.
When Shoon found out who had started the rumor that Midori-san liked to deflower virginal juniors and the best thing to do was to find another junior to ‘help out,’ Shoon was going to strangle that person until they died.
“Please, Shoon,” Inoo begged, looking ready to drop to his knees at any second, and Shoon wouldn’t have cared if he weren’t sure what Inoo would do when he got there. “I won’t tell Yabu, I swear.”
“Who even told you that?!” Shoon demanded in exasperation. He’d already talked down Yuto and Nikaido of all people, and he was sure he’d be beating off Yabu and Hikaru with sticks if they hadn’t taken the matter into their own hands last week.
Each other’s hands. Whatever. Shoon rubbed at his temples, a headache starting to develop.
Inoo pouted, eyes darting left and right as though Midori-san would pop out from behind a corner at any moment. “I thought we were friends, Shoon!”
“We are,” Shoon informed him, teeth gritted. “And as a friend, I’m telling you that whoever told you that Midori-san is going around deflowering anybody is lying to make you embarrass yourself exactly like this.”
Inoo considered this for a moment, then shook his head. “It’s not worth the risk.”
“Get away from—“ Shoon started to exclaim as Inoo advanced with purpose in his face, but just then the door to the dressing room slammed open, and Shoon spun around in relief at the interruption.
“Shoon!” Arioka gasped in relief. “Thank goodness! Listen, I’m your adorable kouhai and you wouldn’t want anything to scar me for life, would you?”
“Talk to Inoo about it!” Shoon advised, and slipped out the door while the other two were occupied sizing each other up.
Shoon’s suspicion that this was all a prank gone wrong, possibly even a prank on him, by the senpai, was quashed when the senpai start showing up for some of Shoon’s attentions as well.
“Come on, Shoonie,” Masuda wheedled, making a face sadder than melted ice cream. “It’ll be just like our skit! I can wear the wig if you want.”
“Oh GOD,” Shoon exclaimed, covering his eyes. It didn’t help, since the image was seared on his brain. “Masuda-kun, listen to me, it’s not true! It’s just a rumor, and it’s not true, it’s not real! It’s not even humane!”
When Masuda didn’t say anything for a second, Shoon lowered his eyes, hoping that Masuda would see reason. Masuda was staring at him with even sadder and more hopeful eyes than before.
“Shoonie,” Masuda said, very seriously, "Midori-san likes to hug me. A lot.”
Shoon whimpered, then whimpered louder when Koyama came around the corner with a wide-eyed Tegoshi gathered up in one arm. He lit up in relief when he spotted Shoon.
“There you are!” Koyama smiled warmly and Shoon shrank back. “We definitely have to protect Tegoshi-kun, ne?”
Shoon put his horror on hold momentarily while he examined Koyama. “You aren’t worried about yourself, Koyama-kun?”
“Eh, well,” Koyama blushed and scratched the back of his head. “That is…”
“You won’t have to worry about Shige-kun either, yo,” Tegoshi chirped, and Shoon narrowed his eyes at the innocent-looking junior, pretty sure that he didn’t exactly need any of Shoon’s attention either.
Shoon bullied and bluffed his way through a string of progressively more disturbing encounters, the most memorable of which included a costumed KusaYESman and a surprisingly persistent Yamada.
Shoon finally put his foot down when A.B.C. approached him as a group.
“First of all, I highly doubt any of you actually need my help.” Shoon fixed the four of them with an icy glare. “Secondly, you’re my senpai! Thirdly, there’s four of you. I think you could have worked this out yourselves!”
“Inoo said you were really good at this sort of thing,” Tsuka piped up.
“Really good,” Kawai leered.
“And then Yabu-kun got pretty angry,” Goseki put in.
“EVERYBODY GET OUT OF THIS DRESSING ROOM,” Shoon bellowed, murder in his eyes.
“But…” Hikaru started, exchanging a nervous glance with Taiyou.
“OUT,” Shoon ordered, and everybody went as quickly as they could, Ya-Ya-yah’s dressing room door slamming shut behind them.
Shoon slumped in a makeup chair and let his forehead thunk on the makeup counter. Honestly, what was wrong with everyone? Even for their show, this was idiocy of an unprecedented scale, and Shoon wasn’t sure how much more he could take.
Suddenly the back of Shoon’s neck prickled, and he got the feeling that he wasn’t alone. When he lifted his head, he caught sight of Midori-san's reflection in the mirror and shrieked.
"Midori-san!” Shoon leapt to his feet and whirled around, taking deep breaths and trying to calm his racing heart. “You scared me!”
“Seems some interesting rumors are going around, ne, Shoon-kun?” Midori-san asked.
“You can say that again,” Shoon exclaimed, glad to finally have somebody to sympathize with. “I keep telling people they’re ridiculous, but nobody will listen! Maa, I wonder who even started these rumors.”
Midori-san smiled and began stepping closer, and Shoon began feeling very, very nervous.
“Haven’t you guessed?” she asked, her smile getting even wider and friendlier. “I did, Shoon-kun.”
When Midori-san's hand closed on Shoon’s shoulder, he put all his vocal instruction to the test.
“Hey,” Koyama looked up, “did you just hear something? It sounded like someone screaming in unimaginable anguish.”
“You always say that when you don’t want to bottom,” Shige answered crankily, and then he shoved Koyama back up against the shelves with the tambourines.
“Ow!” Yamada complained. “You stepped on my foot!”
“Then get out!” Shige snapped. “This is a closet, not a Dome concert!”
“It is a little crowded in here,” Tottsu commented, and the rest of A.B.C. agreed. “Maybe we should find someplace less occupied."
In the dark, Tegoshi smiled, then reached behind him and turned the lock on the door.