Rating/Warnings: PG-13 for Tegoshi in a wig going on dates with all members.
Summary: Ryo thinks that Tegoshi's new magazine column is going to be a disaster; as usual, none of the other morons in either of his bands will take him seriously.
AN: Written for the 2009 Remix Redux. A remix of peroxidepest17's Tegoshi Yuuko's Date with the Members Column.
Sixth Time's the Charm (the Sexy Osaka Remix)
Ryo thinks that this magazine column idea is the most retarded thing he's ever heard, and that's before the rest of the members start talking about it.
"A five-part series on what dating the other members is like, from a girl's perspective," the suit from management says.
"It makes sense," Shige pipes up, which only proves that a college education is a guarantee of nothing in this day and age, "because the girls can't be jealous of you."
Ryo also thinks (or maybe says out loud as he is punching Shige in the arm) that Shige is only person in their unit who gives two figs for what girls think.
He turns his violence towards Yamapi when Yamapi starts up as well, but he isn't fast enough because Tegoshi really loves Leader, and so as soon as Yamapi utters the words "super romantic," Tegoshi is agreeing as fast as he can crawl into Yamapi's lap.
Ryo slaps Yamapi across the back of the head anyway. This is going to be a disaster; he can already feel it.
"Ne, Ryo-tan," Tegoshi says the next day in the dressing room, "what do you think I should wear?"
He and Ryo are the only ones in the dressing room, or the only ones who count. Yamapi, Masuda, and Koyama have gone to find the vending machine, and Shige is studying one of his thick law books in the corner. Or at least, he was until he passed out on it.
"Our costumes?" Ryo answers indulgently, flipping a page over in his book. He glances over it at Tegoshi, who is primping his hair in the dressing room mirror very seriously, as if it's a matter of national importance whether the middle piece of his bangs leans to the right or the left. "That's generally what they expect us to wear on Music Station."
"No," Tegoshi says, as though Ryo is the one who needs some affectionate indulgence. "For my date with Leader. What should I wear?"
Ryo's mouth thins into a line. "Who cares?"
"At first I was thinking obviously I would have to wear a skirt," Tegoshi explains, brushing the errant hair to the right and examining the results, "or dress, because it's a girl's perspective, right? But then I realized, girls can wear pants too. And I was looking at the shops on my way in and capris are in style right now, aren't they? They have lots of cute ones." Tegoshi heaves a little sigh, blowing the hair to the left, and then examines that. "There's a lot of options, aren't there? I guess that’s a woman's freedom, ne."
Ryo takes a very long, very deep breath through his nose, and lets it out very slowly. It doesn't help; the urge to strangle someone (Yamapi) remains.
"I guess it has to be a skirt, though," Tegoshi finally decides, pushing the piece of hair just a smidge to the left and pressing it against his forehead for a second, as though willing it to stay there. When he takes his finger away, it does, despite its improbable angle, just shy of being in Tegoshi's eyes. "For a Valentine's Day date, it definitely has to be a skirt, ne. Leader likes blue, right?"
Ryo still hasn't gotten a word out when Tegoshi dusts off his hands like its all decided, then leans over to kiss Ryo's cheek in thanks for helping him out. Yamapi and the others get back just then, and Tegoshi skips over to hug Yamapi tight around the waist and say that he's really looking forward to Saturday; Koyama looks down at the way the pages of Ryo's book are crumpled in his hands and comments mildly that he ought to take better care of his things.
Narrowing his eyes, Ryo throws the book at Koyama. It misses and hits Shige, who sits up with a jerk, then shrieks because he's accidentally ripped the page out of his textbook that's glued to his cheek with drool.
On the day of the date, Ryo is fortunately hundreds of kilometers away with his other troop of morons, and thus too busy to think about it at all.
"The date's today, right, right?" Subaru elbows Ryo and waggles his eyebrows. Ohkura and Yasuda lurk nearby, shamelessly eavesdropping. "I'll bet Tesshi is really cute in his outfit, right?"
"Don't call him that!" Ryo snaps. "And shut up! It's all just a stupid magazine gimmick and it doesn't mean anything!"
"Ah, jealousy." Subaru intones, while Ohkura and Yasuda nod at each other sagely. "But don't worry, Ryo-chan, you get a turn too, right? You should call dibs next. If you aren't quick, the line will get really long, right?"
"Tegoshi isn't a ride at an amusement park!" Ryo punches Subaru's shoulder. "He isn't a toy you take turns with, and you can't call dibs on him like the front seat either!"
"But I like riding in the front seat," Ohkura reports seriously, making Subaru and Yasuda cackle and leer at each other.
Ryo's snarling is interrupted by the cheerful chime of his phone, which some retard has set to play "Bambina," and he answers it quickly to find a mail from Koyama.
I ALREADY CALLED DIBS FOR NEXT WEEK, the mail says, making Ryo's frown deepen, and that's before he opens the picture Koyama has attached to see Tegoshi, perfectly made up with his glamorous cosmetics and the ringlets of his wig framing his face, tucked safely in the curve of Yamapi's arm while he flashes a secretive grin at the camera.
Momentarily stunned, Ryo doesn't even put up a fight when Ohkura snatches the phone to see.
"Holy shit," Ohkura gasps, making the other two go "What, what?!" and make grabby hands. He grabs Ryo's wrist and holds up the phone so they can see too. "This line must be around the BLOCK!"
"Shut up!" Ryo yanks his hand back and scrolls down his contacts list to Tegoshi's number as fast as he can, because somebody has to put an end to this insanity.
"Ryo-tan?" Tegoshi answers his phone with a cheerful chirp. "You're interrupting my date, Ryo-tan. We're at the aquarium!"
Ryo suppresses a growl. "Tego-nyan, dump that idiot and go out with me."
"Eh? But it's Yamapi's week, Ryo-tan!" Tegoshi's pout is audible over the phone, and Ryo can't help but imagine what it must look like with Tegoshi's lips slick and pink from gloss. "If you want to take me out, you'll have to ask me out properly, like Leader and Kei-chan did."
Ryo splutters, and by the time he gets himself together, it's Yamapi's voice on the phone.
"We'll see you tomorrow, Ryo-tan," Yamapi says firmly, and Ryo only gets out a "What?" before Yamapi hangs up on him.
Ryo's mood is not much improved when Tegoshi shows up at work a few days later with a rough draft of his first column, the pictures that he wants to use paperclipped to the corner. There's a picture of Yamapi imitating a manatee (for some reason, it reminds Ryo of Masuda), and the picture Koyama had mailed all of them.
"There's a few others," Tegoshi explains as he shows off his work proudly, "but these are the ones I like best."
Ryo skims over the article, frowning at Tegoshi's assertions that Yamapi is manly and not afraid to give compliments, that he creates a peaceful atmosphere and isn't afraid to be silly. He wants to say something derisive about the whole sugary sweet thing, but when he looks up from the paper, Tegoshi is staring at him with hopeful eyes.
"Is it okay, Ryo-tan?" he asks, nibbling his lower lip cutely. "It's my first column."
"It's fine," Ryo sighs, giving in. "It sounds like a good date."
"It was!" Tegoshi's face lights up in a smile. "And Yamapi must think so too, because he wants to go out with me again next weekend!"
"I thought next week was Koyama's week?" Ryo asks, frowning.
"Next week is Koyama's date with Yuuko," Tegoshi explains, taking his paper back from Ryo's hand. "But it's Leader's date with Yuya."
Tegoshi skips over to have Shige check all his kanji, leaving Ryo chewing on that.
The next week, Koyama takes Yuuko to his family's ramen shop. The train ride is a little long, Koyama frets, but Tegoshi assures him that he likes the train and it's fine.
"Train rides are peaceful and romantic, right?" Tegoshi asks, and Koyama agrees right away, relieved.
By coincidence, while they're there one of the waiters has to go home sick, and Koyama's mother asks Koyama to help out because it's so busy.
"But we're in the middle of our date," Koyama frets, torn between his duty to his family and how cute Tegoshi looks.
"Can I help too?" Tegoshi solves the problem for him, pushing his bowl of ramen back. "It looks fun!"
Later, Koyama will sheepishly explain to the others that the customers all adored Yuuko, and they ended up spending the whole rest of their date there, until his mother had shooed them out so Tegoshi could catch the last train back to Tokyo.
"The worst part was that my mother said I could bring Tego-nyan back for a date any time I wanted, and that he didn't have to dress up like a girl." Koyama buries his face in his hands. "I tried telling her it was for the column, but she just patted me on the shoulder and said she was glad I was happy!"
The Koyama Ramenya has a really warm atmosphere, Tegoshi's column says. Koyama's family is very precious to him, so he's the kind of boyfriend that will introduce somebody he likes to them right away. But it wasn't scary at all! Seeing the Kei-chan that would interrupt his date to help out his family, I fell in love with him a little more.
There's a picture of Tegoshi in a borrowed apron with a kerchief tied over his wig, cheeks pink from the steaming bowls of ramen on his tray, which Ryo can't look at very long because it makes him too hungry.
The next day, Yamashita invites Tegoshi over to play video games with him, since Jin's away and Ryo won't be back from Osaka yet. On the train ride back late that night, Ryo reads Tegoshi's post about how Yamapi taught him all the secret combos in Tekken and maybe the next time they hang out they can play teams with Ryo and Jin!
Ryo closes his phone with a snap and tries to sleep, but only ends up glaring balefully out the window.
The week after that, Shige takes Yuuko to an artsy foreign movie, where they sit in the last row and hold hands. Tegoshi wears a beret and hints in his column that they didn't see very much of it, making Ryo punch Shige in the shoulder and Koyama give him reproachful looks while Shige splutters.
The same weekend, Yamapi invites Tegoshi out for a study date. They spread Tegoshi's books and Yamapi's script out over a table at a coffee shop and drink funny-flavored coffees until both of them are too jittery to read the words on their pages and both of them are giggling at everything either of them says.
"Yamapi is really smart, ne," Tegoshi confides in Ryo the next day, cuddled against Ryo's side, dreamy and loose-limbed since he hasn't slept much because of the caffeine. "I bet there's lots of things he could teach me, don't you think, Ryo-tan?"
Ryo says nothing, and Tegoshi only hums and lets his eyes flutter shut when Ryo's fingers tighten in his hair.
On Yuuko's fourth date, Masuda makes plans for them to go to the zoo, which turns out nearly as good as the date to the aquarium. This time they make it their mission to find an animal that is most like each of the other members, but Ryo stops looking at his mails after Tegoshi declares that he looks most like the grumpy little penguins with the funny tufts of feathers on their heads.
"We had lots of trouble with Shige," Tegoshi explains when he's showing them his pictures to help decide which ones to use. "Until we got to the petting zoo!"
He lays down a picture of Masuda and Tegoshi squished together, a black guinea pig with dark, beady eyes and a mohawk with its face held up between theirs. The guinea pig looks thoroughly displeased, and Yamapi and Koyama laugh so hard that they collapse against each other and nearly fall out of their chairs.
Ryo doesn't even crack a smile, especially when Tegoshi goes on to relate that he was so tired from running around the zoo all day and then the amusement park with Yamapi the next day that now he's completely exhausted.
"But that's always what happens after a date with Leader," Tegoshi giggles, making Yamapi ruffle his hair while Masuda nods sagely.
"What's with you?" Shige finally asks Ryo. Tegoshi, Masuda, and Yamapi are pouring over the pictures very seriously, leaving Ryo, Shige, and Koyama off to the side to watch.
"What's with your head?" is Ryo's retort.
"I mean, okay," Shige continues, "I wasn't super excited when we heard this whole idea, but it's been kind of fun, hasn't it? And how can you not think that's adorable?"
Ryo turns to look and scowls when he sees Tegoshi staring at Yamapi with adoring eyes. "It's a disaster," he snarls.
"You are a black-hearted, unfeeling bastard," Shige announces. "If even that isn't cute to you, then you don't have a single ounce of romance in your soul."
"Shige!" Koyama reproaches him before Ryo can respond. "Ryo just hasn't had his turn yet. Besides," Koyama gives Ryo a considering glance up and down which Ryo does not at all like the look of, "I don't think the disaster's over there. I think maybe the disaster is in Ryo-tan's heart, ne."
"What?" Shige raises a skeptical eyebrow.
"What?" Ryo echoes. "That's…that's ridiculous." And just to prove it, he gets up and stomps over to the table, where Tegoshi tilts his head back to grin at Ryo upside-down.
"Hi, Ryo-tan!" Tegoshi holds up a picture of Masuda making his eyes bulge just like the chameleon. "This one, do you think?"
"Go out with me this weekend." Ryo scowls and shoves his hands into his pockets, then after a moment adds, "Please."
"Sure!" Tegoshi agrees immediately, and Ryo's scowl eases for a split-second before Tegoshi finishes in an off-hand manner, "It's Ryo-tan's turn after all."
Ryo's surprise date is that he takes them to Odaiba, and Tegoshi claps his manicured hands in glee when he catches his first glimpse of the giant Ferris wheel. They make their way to it leisurely, fitting in easily with the other couples and young families. Odaiba is crowded, since it's Saturday, and after Tegoshi nearly gets separated from him for the third time because he keeps stopping to look at things, Ryo hooks his arm securely through Tegoshi's.
Apparently satisfied with this situation, Tegoshi holds onto Ryo's arm with his other hand as well and murmurs, "Ryo-tan is a boyfriend who likes to be close."
"We should do the Ferris wheel first," Ryo says, guiding Tegoshi towards the queue, "since the line will get longer the later we wait."
"Un," Tegoshi agrees easily. "Ryo-tan is a boyfriend who plans ahead and is decisive."
Ryo raises his eyebrow at Tegoshi's narration, but doesn't say anything. Despite the fact that he's just said they should get in line quickly, when they get close, he pauses for a moment, eyes scanning from the base of the Ferris wheel back along the stretch of the line, curling back and forth and then up the metal staircase.
"No, wait," he says when Tegoshi takes another step towards a line, and Tegoshi pauses to look at him, head tilted. Ryo lets another couple and a man with his children by before he says, "Okay, now."
"What was that, Ryo-tan?" Tegoshi asks. He's eyeing the metal railing like he's thinking about hopping up on it to sit despite his skirt, and Ryo takes his arm again to hold him down.
"We're getting the pink car," Ryo informs him. They shuffle forward half a dozen steps. "Pink's for love, it'll sound good in your column."
"Eh?" Tegoshi looks at all the people surrounding them, them whole way up the stairs to where the line curls out of sight above them. "But we aren't allowed to pick which color car we want!"
"It'll work out," Ryo assures him. "We'll get a pink one."
They amuse themselves in the line by playing silly games, counting how many people have hats and who can get the most small children to wave back at them (Tegoshi wins because when mothers see him they smile and wave too, but when they see Ryo doing it, they send him Back-Off-Pervert glares). Sure enough, when they get to the front of the line, the next car is indeed a pink one.
"See?" Ryo says smugly as they climb in and settle on the seat. "I told you."
"Ryo-tan is a boyfriend who is in charge of his own destiny," Tegoshi intones, as he examines the view out the open side of the car.
"Why do you keep saying weird things like that?" Ryo demands, shifting closer to Tegoshi when the car starts to lift and swings a bit.
"It's for the column," Tegoshi explains, making Ryo roll his eyes. "I don't want to forget anything important!"
They use Tegoshi's phone to take a couple pictures, of the two of them sitting pressed together in the pink car, of Tegoshi peering over the side and pointing at something below them, of Ryo sitting as close to the center of the car as he can and looking suspiciously at the drop over the side of it.
"Ne, are you gonna kiss me at the top of the Ferris wheel?" Tegoshi wants to know, batting his eyelashes. Ryo gives him an indulgent peck on the cheek as their car makes it to the top. Tegoshi pouts at Ryo's lack of enthusiasm, but before he can really argue about it, the car is moving again.
Once they hop off, Ryo takes Tegoshi's arm again and steers him inside of the shopping center. They stop in front of the first set of bathrooms they come across, and Tegoshi tilts his head at Ryo, waiting for an explanation. Ryo opens the door, leans in far enough to make sure there doesn't happen to be anybody at the urinals, then turns back to Tegoshi and hands Tegoshi the messenger bag that he's had over his shoulder the whole time, but that Tegoshi hasn't taken any particular notice of.
"There's some of your regular clothes in there," Ryo informs him. "Go in there and change, and stick all that weird stuff back in the bag, especially that ridiculous wig."
"Ryo-taaaaan," Tegoshi whines, but Ryo only holds the door open and points, a firm expression fixed on his face.
"Hurry up and do it," he orders. "Before somebody sees."
Ryo loiters around the doorway while Tegoshi is inside, giving anybody who looks like they might want to use the facilities a menacing look. Ten minutes later, Tegoshi is back out in jeans and a snug T-shirt. Even the make-up is mostly gone, except for some of the smoky liner around his eyes.
"Thank goodness," Ryo grunts, taking the bag back from Tegoshi and slinging it over his shoulder again.
Tegoshi pouts harder. "That was the shortest date I've ever been on. Didn't you like Yuuko?" he asks.
"No," Ryo replies, the vehemence in his voice making Tegoshi startle enough that his pout slips. "I don't like Yuuko, I like Tego-nyan. And nobody said this date was over."
Tegoshi chews on that for a moment, before giving Ryo a smile which is small, but truly happy. "Ryo is a boyfriend for whom honesty is the most important thing."
"Would you quit it with that?" Ryo demands, but he can't stop himself from smiling back just a little. "Come on, let's go already."
They spend the afternoon shopping, trying on clothes and funny hats and big sunglasses, and Ryo thinks that all of it looks way better on Tegoshi than those stupid strappy sandals and especially that wig. And Tegoshi doesn't need lip gloss to make it look good when he wraps his lips around the straw of the bubble tea Ryo buys him.
At the end of the day they get back in line for the Ferris wheel. Tegoshi wonders out loud if they'll make it, since it'll be closing soon and the line is still rather long, but Ryo just says it'll be fine. Sure enough, they make it with a couple spaces back in the line to spare.
This time they get the blue car, for happiness, and when it gets to the top, Ryo gets both hands in Tegoshi's real hair and tilts his face up for a kiss that leaves them both dizzier than the height.
"Ryo-tan is…" Tegoshi starts, murmuring against Ryo's lips, but Ryo growls at him to shut up and kisses him again.
"You're coming home with me," Ryo informs Tegoshi once they're back on the train. "You're staying the night."
"Eh?" Tegoshi tilts his head back to blink at Ryo. "But I have an early date with Leader tomorrow."
"You're canceling it," Ryo says, wrapping his arm tightly around Tegoshi's shoulders. It's late, and no one else on the train is paying them any mind. "I told you I'd definitely steal you from that guy."
"Hm." Tegoshi settles his head back on Ryo's shoulder, warm against him, Yuuko's wig and skirt and strappy sandals forgotten in Ryo's bag. "Okay."
"Damn right." Ryo lets his eyes slip shut when Tegoshi doesn't argue any further, soothed by the way the motion of the train jostles them against each other. Tegoshi giggles when Ryo adds, "Ryo-tan is a boyfriend who's possessive."