Title: Never Wank a Sleeping Weasel [Harry/Ron/Hermione]
Rating/Warnings: R, somnophilia and blanket theft.
Summary: Ron can sleep through anything. No, really, anything.
AN: As many things are, this is completely musesfool's fault, who's been badgering me about this for honestly months now. The het is all for you, baby.
Never Wank a Sleeping Weasel
Harry snorted awake when somebody kicked him in the thigh. Rolling over and glaring at the unconscious Weasley taking up most of his bed, Harry kicked back.
Ron didn't even budge, but gave a whistling snore.
"Oh, don't bother," Hermione mumbled from the other side of Ron. There was a rustle of bedclothes, and Hermione's sleep-rumpled hair appeared. "I've been trying all sorts of violence, but it's no use. He keeps stealing the blankets."
"God, he can sleep through anything, can't he?" Harry grumbled, propping himself up on one elbow and rubbing at his eyes. He squinted down at Ron. "Bastard."
"Then he'll sleep through this too," Hermione announced, getting a grip on the corner of the blanket. "Grab the other side, we're liberating the bedclothes."
Harry wrapped the other corner around his hand and yanked at the same time as Hermione. Some of the blanket came loose, but the rest remained right where it was.
"It's caught under him someplace," Hermione said, "Shove him to one side, can't you? I'm freezing."
"Maybe if you wore some clothes to bed…"
"I was wearing clothes before you two got started!"
Bracing his shoulder against the bed, Harry wedged a hand under Ron's shoulder and levered him up onto his side as Hermione pulled, and the blanket finally slid free. Ron thumped back onto his back without even a missed snore. The sheet was tangled around his waist, but his chest was bare, and as his nipples drew taut in the chill night air, Harry had an idea.
"Anything, hmm?" he said. "Want to make a bet about that?"
"What?" Hermione, in the process of cocooning herself in the freed blanket, looked up and eyed Harry speculatively. "What did you have in mind?"
Harry gave a low 'hmm' and reached over to tweak one of Ron's nipples. Ron snorted, but didn't otherwise stir.
"No," Hermione giggled. "Even he can't sleep through that."
"I think you're underestimating the power of the Ron Weasley REM cycle." Harry grinned. "I bet you we can bring him the whole way to orgasm, and he won't so much as say 'good morning', and if I win, you have to return every single book you have out to the library, and you can't check any others out for a week."
"What!" Hermione narrowed her eyes. "Well, then if he does wake up, you have to clean the whole house, top to bottom, and you have to do it properly! No magic!"
"Done," Harry agreed, reaching behind him to snag his glasses off the nightstand and sliding them onto his face. Sight restored, he leaned forward to lick the nipple he'd just been teasing.
"So," Hermione pressed a little closer, "do I get to participate, or can I only watch?"
"Hmm." Harry swirled his tongue around the nipple thoughtfully. "You can play, but no sabotage. No poking or shaking or anything else unless it's purely sexual."
"Yes, sir," Hermione rolled her eyes as she bent to nibble on Ron's other nipple. Harry slid a hand down to shove the sheet out of the way and brushed his hand through the red curls at the base of Ron's quiescent cock. Hermione lifted one of her hands to trail lightly over Ron's abdomen, tracing the edge of his ribs with light fingers.
Harry didn't waste any time, but wrapped his hand around Ron and squeezed firmly, and it didn't take long for Ron's body to start responding. Lifting his head briefly away from Ron's chest, Harry checked for signs of life, and the only change was that Ron's mouth had fallen open a little, and he was starting to drool.
"Unbelievable," Hermione muttered, her expression torn between disgust and fascination. She dropped her hand down underneath Harry's and began rolling Ron's sac between her fingers. Ron sighed a little, but didn't stir.
"That's our Ron." Harry grinned, releasing Ron's erection only long enough to spit into his palm before getting a good grip on him and beginning to wank him in earnest. Hermione kept suckling Ron's nipple, tugging at it with her teeth every few licks.
"He's close," Hermione released Ron's skin to report, still kneading Ron's sac even as it drew up closer to his body. "There's no way he isn't going to…"
"Huuunh," Ron grunted, spilling over Harry's hand and across his stomach. There was a moment of silence as Hermione and Harry both looked up at Ron's face; then Ron began to snore again. Hermione scowled as Harry wiped off his hand against Ron's chest.
"You lose!" Harry said cheerfully. "But if you want to come over here, I may be able to dig up a consolation prize for you…"
"You bastard," Hermione growled at him, even as she clamored over Ron and pushed Harry onto his back, straddling his waist. Harry reached down to slide fingers across Hermione's folds, and grinned.
"Looks like Ron wasn't the only one having a good time," he said.
"Come on!" Hermione whined, flexing her hips against Harry. "I'm pretty sure that isn't your Firebolt down there that wants in on the fun."
Harry obligingly reached between them and held his cock steady for Hermione to slide down on.
"Bossy wench," Harry groaned, thrusting up. Hermione responded with a few choice curses as she planted her hands on Harry's chest and rolled her hips forward. Clutching at Hermione's thigh with one hand, Harry slid the other over to brush Hermione's clit with his thumb, pressing harder until she was bucking forward into his hand.
When she finally threw back her head and sank her nails into Harry's chest, Harry was only moments behind, pushing deep inside her clutching warmth and letting go. Hermione slumped down on Harry's chest, tucking her head underneath his chin, and Harry raised a limp hand to smooth over her hair.
"Hey," a gravelly voice said beside them, and Harry and Hermione turned to find Ron scowling at them. "Are you two at it again? Some kind of threesome we are."
"Sorry," Harry responded, while Hermione fought down giggles.
"Sure you are," Ron snorted, reaching up to scratch his chest. "Honestly, you'd think you'd have the decency to wake…hey, why am I all sticky?"