Rating/Warnings: R for ahahahahah you're joking right? LOOKIT AT THAT PAIRING. I'M TAKING THE SHORT BUS TO HELL :( :( :(
Summary: Ueda says it's impossible with more than three people, and Jin turns up six people and one j-pop idol to prove him wrong.
AN: I will get you for this, darkeyedwolf. I will get you, and I will make you pay. You owe me PORN YOU FREAK.
One Great Leap for Boybands Everywhere
"But what I'm saying is," Ueda crossed his arms, "that with any more than three people, you inevitably break up into pairs in the end! So a true four-or-more-some is impossible."
"Ueda," Jin patted Ueda's head and smiled indulgently, "you aren't doing it right!"
"I'm doing it just fine!" Ueda slapped Jin's hand away, and off to the side, Junno gave a little cough.
"Well, apparently…" Jin raised an eyebrow, then cut off, giggling when Ueda threw a hairbrush at him. He turned and asked Koki and Nakamaru, "Well? Ueda's wrong, right?"
"How the hell would we know?" Nakamaru laughed, and Koki threw an arm around his shoulders and grinned.
"You are the oldest," he pointed out, poking Nakamaru in the chest with a finger. "So you must be much more experienced…"
"Come ooon," Jin wheedled, failing miserably to stop grinning and stepping in between Ueda and Nakamaru. "Ueda's totally wrong, you can say! I'll protect you from him so he doesn't do anything shady…"
"EXCUSE ME," Kame stuck his head in the door, eyelinered to within an inch of his life, "is there ANYBODY in here interested in doing THE SHOW?!"
"…really well!" Junno grinned, peeling his sweat-soaked tank top off. "That's the best it's ever gone!"
"I like the part where we grind," Jin bumped his hip up against Ueda, and Ueda snorted and pressed a thumb to the corner of his mouth when it refused to stop curling up. "Oh, speaking of that! Ueda says we can't all have sex."
"…oh?" Junno inquired, grin changing from excited to bemused. "Cause if I am, and you are, and Koki and Nakamaru, and Ueda definitely, then…" Junno had been counting on his fingers by curling them down, one by one, until only one was standing. "Looks like you're out of luck, Kame."
"Nooooo," Jin interrupted while Kame spluttered, "he says we can't do it all at once."
"But," Kame started, "why would we want to?"
"I didn't say WE!" Ueda snapped.
"It does present a logistical problem," Koki pointed out.
"But why would—" Kame tried louder.
"Yeah, where would we all stand?" Nakamura tapped his chin thoughtfully.
"Well, from a comparative standpoint," Junno tilted his head to the side, "our jobs do require a certain amount of flexibility…"
"That's not what I meant AT ALL!" Ueda protested.
"Except Kame," Jin put in.
"Hey!" Kame punched Jin in the shoulder. "I'm just as flexible as the next guy!"
"We should be practical," Koki said, "so who has the biggest bed?"
"If the next guy is a BIG STIFF ROCK!" Jin punched Kame back.
"Nobody's bed is big enough for this." Nakamaru shook his head.
"I didn't mean I wanted to have sex with all you freaks!"
"Who has the most futons?"
"Or like PETRIFIED—"
"OKAY THAT'S IT!" Kame shouted, shutting everybody else up. "EVERYBODY GET NAKED RIGHT NOW AND YOU'LL SEE FLEXIBLE DAMMIT."
There was a long moment of silence. And then,
"But," Jin twisted one arm up behind his back and the other down and grabbed his fingertips together in the middle, "can you do this?"
"Remember," Kame said as they sat on Ueda's couch, "this is all in the name of science."
"Close your eyes and think of Japan!" Junno giggled, elbowing a scowling Ueda.
"We're back!" Jin and Koki tripped in the doorway, loaded down with two brown paper bags. "We brought the booze and apple juice!"
"And some other things people might actually drink." Koki rolled his eyes as he and Jin thunked their bags down on the coffee table.
"Hand me something equal to or greater than 100 proof," Ueda ordered, slumping against the back of his couch.
"Oh, lighten up, Uebo!" Jin climbed onto Ueda's lap and used one hand to tug Ueda's scarf off in a slow, silky pull. He grinned down at Ueda and took a swig out of the bottle in his other hand.
"Hey," Ueda reached up to grab the tail of scarf dangling out of Jin's fist, "I have plans for that."
Jin raised an eyebrow and leaned forward to press his lips against Ueda's, slow and slick from the juice, and he brushed the back of the fingers still holding the scarf against Ueda's throat until Ueda had his head tipped back far enough for Jin to share his drink.
"S'good right?" Jin smirked, pulling back just far enough to see Ueda's expression. Ueda's eyes were slit open just enough to regard Jin in return.
"It's spiked apple juice," he said, "you uncultured swine. And so far you haven't proved anything."
"To the bedroom!" Kame pointed the way with his Tropical Berry wine cooler. "Where I will prove my flexibility!"
"It's like a Western!" Nakamaru exclaimed, then checked himself with a laugh. "Well, a sex Western."
"Ride 'em, cowboy!" Koki agreed, rolling the foreign words over his tongue like rock candy and offering Nakamaru a hand up off the couch. Nakamaru wrapped strong fingers around Koki's and didn't let go after he was standing.
"Looks like it's you and me, Kamenashi." Junno smiled, pushing himself off the couch and toasting his bottle against Kame's. He took a long sip, then grimaced and set it down on the coffee table. "Ugh, how can Jin drink this stuff?"
"See?" Ueda tilted his head back against the couch and pushed Jin back with a fingertip to the forehead when he tried to chase Ueda's mouth. "Pairing off, already!"
"Oh, get in the bedroom, Artist-sama!" Koki teased, tugging Nakamaru closer against his back as they headed out into the hallway.
"Okay," Jin stood before the five bandmates seated on Ueda's king-sized, Western bed, "step one, we all take off our pants. Step two, everyone services Jin. Step three, everyone point and laugh at Ueda-kun."
"Whoa whoa," Kame protested, "who said we were servicing Jin?"
Jin crossed his arms. "This is only going to work if we're all focused on a common goal."
"Um," Junno raised his hand, "can step one be that we take down the Gackt poster over the bed? 'Cause its eyes follow me wherever I go."
"Oh geez," Koki leaned forward and then back a little, left and right, "it DOES!"
"No one's touching Gackt," Ueda ordered.
"Can I just say," Nakamaru raised his hand too, "that this is the least sexy orgy I've ever been to?"
"That's cause there's still pants!" Jin exclaimed. "What did I just say? You guys have no idea how to set a mood!"
Koki started humming, and after a few seconds, Junno asked, "Is that the intro music to 'Star Whores Episode II: Revenge of the Sluts?'"
"You jackass!" Nakamaru snatched up one of Ueda's pillows and cracked a snickering Koki across the back of the head with it. "You said you didn't know where my copy was!"
Kame and Ueda snatched up pillows to help out when Koki starting going "Chicka brm brm, chicka brm brm!" instead, and Jin watched proudly for a few moments before stripping off his shirt and diving into the middle of the fight.
"Ow!" Kame protested, having taken the brunt of Jin's fall directly to the torso. "How many elbows do you have?!"
"Oh, you can take it, Bendy-san," Jin cooed, kissing Kame's collar bone to take the sting out of his injury and reaching behind his back to yank whoever he grabbed first closer by a fistful of his shirt.
It turned out to be Junno, who was more than tall enough to curl against the line of Jin's back and still have enough height to kiss Kame. He skated a hand down Jin's bare ribs, making him squirm, and when Jin's eyes fluttered open, he caught sight of Nakamaru on the other side of Kame, tugging up Koki's shirt slow enough to lick every inch of skin as it was bared.
"Mmm!" Jin reached over Kame to pinch Nakamaru's side. He mumbled around Jin's collarbone, "You're letting Ueda win!"
"Don't interrupt," Junno said, voice low and warm against Jin's ear, making his skin buzz with pleasure. "They're so cute like that."
"Junno says we're cute," Nakamaru stage-whispered to Koki, reaching up to rub his palm over the fuzz of Koki's head, and Koki purred his agreement as he tangled a hand in Kame's hair and tugged him down onto his back for a kiss. "And Ueda-kun is cheating anyway."
"Uedaaaaa," Jin admonished, rolling over and snuggling against Junno's chest, pushing a leg in between Junno's and tucking his chin in the curve of his neck to glare at Ueda, who was still sitting up where his pillows had been, just watching.
"Just waiting until I had your attention," Ueda said, then reached for the button on his jeans. Jin swallowed hard, rubbing a little more firmly up against Junno, as Ueda flipped the button open and dragged his zipper down halfway, letting his fingertips brush over the black silk of his boxers.
"Hmm," Junno slid a hand down in between himself and Jin, making Jin give a tiny gasp when the back of his knuckles brushed over the zipper of Jin's own jeans. "Something interesting going on behind me?"
"Uh, uh-huh," Jin answered, eyes riveted to the trail Ueda's fingers were drawing up his abdomen as he pushed his shirt up a little.
"I'm a little—" a soft, wet sound interrupted Junno's words, and Kame's chest hitched against Jin's back, "—busy, so tell me what's—" there was a startled gasp from Kame, "—happening, hmm?"
"Ueda's, ah, he's unzipping…" Jin scowled at the way Ueda's shoulders were starting to shake a little at Jin's lack of dirty talk, even as he pushed his shirt up high enough to show the dark edge of one nipple, "he's touching his chest, and, ah," Jin scrabbled for his train of thought as Junno stopped teasing him with the back of his hand and actually started tugging down his zipper, "he's…uh…hnn, nipple…" and then Ueda brought his thumb to his mouth for a casual lick, and Jin lost all hope of going on and just moaned shamelessly.
"Think I got the idea," Junno whispered, lips brushing the ridges of Jin's ear, and Jin had to turn his head away from the sight of Ueda thumbing his nipple slick so that he wouldn't come all over himself before Junno even got his hands the whole way inside Jin's jeans.
Which is how he discovered that in the meantime, Koki had managed to get most of Nakamaru and Kame's clothes off, and Nakamaru was deeply involved in returning the favor. He seemed to be stalled somewhere around Nakamaru's navel.
"You two suck at not being a pair," Kame said, trying to hurry Koki along, but he wasn't getting very far as one of his hands was busy tugging on Junno's hair, trying to urge him back to sucking on Kame's neck. "C'mere and stop wasting your sweet-talk on Bakanishi."
"Lonely?" Nakamaru asked, lifting his head finally to grin at Kame; underneath him, a mark was darkening across Koki's hipbone, slick and red. He rolled over to flop between Koki and Kame, and leaned up to nip at Kame's neck.
"Don't, ah, not so," Kame sucked in a breath and sort of rippled, like he couldn't tell which direction to lean into or away from, "dammit, Nakamaru, we have shoots and…and…you know, things…"
"I know about the things, Kamenashi," Nakamaru purred, palming Kame's stomach until he reached the waistband of Kame's boxers. He let his hand lie there for a minute, twiddling the elastic between his fingers without really moving it, and caught Jin's eye with a smirk. "Koki, are you naked yet, or what?"
"Oh!" Jin groaned when Junno finally freed him from his damn jeans, then groaned again when he realized the holdup had been so Junno could pull himself out as well, and now was free to wrap his hand around both their cocks at once and give a long, slow, pull. "Fuck, son of a bitch!"
"Oh my god," Junno said suddenly, "that's the hottest thing I've ever seen," and Jin managed to get enough brain cells to fire to peel his eyelids back open.
Nakamaru was still applying himself firmly to Kame's neck, but had pushed Kame's boxers down finally; Koki, now bare as a baby panda, was sprawled across both Kame and Nakamaru's thighs, right hand curled around his own cock, left hand hooked around Nakamaru's waist to keep him close enough to Kame that their cocks were almost rubbing together.
But the real trick, the thing that made Jin shudder and grind against Junno's hand, was the timing: while Koki was bent over Nakamaru's cock, lips teasing over just the tip, Nakamaru's hand was closed around Kame's shaft, squeezing and thumbing the ridge of his head. When Koki shifted over to Kame, Nakamaru switched as well, stroking himself, palm sliding smoothly over Koki's spit.
Jin whimpered, the combination of Junno's cock sliding up against his own, hot and tacky, and Nakamaru's face as he watched Koki shift again, fingertips brushing Koki's cheek on the way back to Kame's cock, making his skin prickle and his balls pull tight, and he knew he should do something to Kame so that they weren't a threesome and a twosome because that meant Ueda was winning, and wait where the hell was—
Something buzzed against Jin's ass, and it was almost too much on top of everything else, and Jin reached back to grab Kame's hip pressed against him, because what the hell—
"Sorry, phone," Kame gasped, hand flopping down against Jin's, trying for his pocket, but even if there was a chance he had enough coordination for that while Koki licked the little notch on the underside of his cock, Jin grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together.
"Don't answer, idiot!" Jin thrust back against Kame and forward into Junno's hand, and none of it really made that much sense, but he was just on the edge of spilling over into the sharp pulse that meant it didn't matter, when he turned his head just enough to find Ueda with one hand on his cock and the other hand thumbing the keypad of his cell phone, and Jin squeezed Kame's clenched Kame's hand so tightly he cursed and came all over Junno's hand.
"Mmm, Jin," Junno bit down on the lobe of Jin's ear and followed immediately after, and Jin giggled hazily because these jeans were totally ruined and he'd completely borrowed them from Ryo. And Kame's phone was still buzzing.
Behind him, Koki let out a muffled groan, and Jin twisted his neck to see. Nakamaru's hand had left Kame to curl around Koki's, helping him stroke, fast and hard, and it only took a few more strokes like that before Koki was moaning around Nakamaru's cock and shuddering.
A second later, Koki grinned up at Nakamaru with still-glazed eyes and switched their hands over to the base of Nakamaru's cock, mouth still locked over Nakamaru's tip, and after two strokes from their tangled, slicked fingers, Nakamaru gave in as well, the wide O of his mouth pressed against Kame's shoulder.
"Need some help there?" Jin asked Kame, rolling over to get his hand on Kame's cock, still hot and wet from Koki's mouth, and he grinned when Junno's slender fingers wrapped around his. The phone stopped vibrating in Kame's pocket abruptly. "Ah, if you were quicker, Kame-kun, you could've come in style, like me!" he teased, nuzzling at Kame's shoulder and noting a mark in the hollow of Kame's throat that Nakamaru would be paying for later.
"Voice mail," Kame answered hoarsely, and Jin only got out "Huh?" before the phone buzzed once again, and Kame shuddered and spilled over their hands.
"Guess that just leaves Uebo," Jin commented, but when he looked over his shoulder, neck cracking in protest from the constant twisting abuse, he found Ueda flipping his cell phone shut and sucking a finger clean, grinning lazily.
"I won, you know," he said, voice a bit scratchy. He slipped his phone into the front pocket of his jeans. "The phone didn't count."
"Like hell it didn't," Jin retorted, snatching Kame's phone out of his pocket and pressing the 'Call Back' softkey firmly down.
"And in conclusion," Jin announced, "today we have taken one small step for KAT-TUN and one great leap for boybands everywhere!"
"I really think this is hardly a leap for most boybands," Kame retorted, and Jin giggled because his head was resting on Kame's stomach and the talking made his head bounce.
"You didn't win," said Ueda. "And where did Nakamaru and Koki get off to, anyway?"
"Koki said he needed Nakamaru to get rid of the aftertaste of Jin's spiked apple juice," Junno commented from Kame's other side, brushing idle fingers over Kame's nipple until Kame slapped his hand away. "And also that Gackt was staring at him."
"I don't mind if Gackt stares," Jin said, scratching his stomach lazily. "I feel like we've bonded. We can add him to the band, and call it KAT-TUNG!"
"I'm sure Gackt wants no part in your sordid affairs," Ueda sniffed, settling more comfortably into his repossessed pillows. "Especially since you lost."
"Those are fighting words!" Jin exclaimed, sitting up and crawling over to kiss Ueda, one hand already slipping down into Ueda's jeans, and behind him Junno laughed and yelled for Koki and Nakamaru to get their asses back in the room because they were about to start step three.
darkeyedwolf: jesus, how long have you been in je fandom? and already, three fics, ONE ORGY
THIS IS WHY I TRIED SO HARD TO GET YOU INTO JPOP
mousapelli: akjdflkasjfajsksfkjl i hate you
this is what happened with loveless
and i wrote shota noncon nc-17 incest and have never recovered
darkeyedwolf: dude, that's nothing compared to gay jpop nc-17 ORGY rps
mousapelli: OH SHUT UP
only ueda reads english, and he'd never admit to googling himself
darkeyedwolf: oh, jin too
jin has the HUGEST thing about english
mousapelli: who the hell would believe jin
mousapelli: also, the idea of jin sitting in front of his computer with a dictionary trying to read my porn alkjsdflkjsdflkjaslfkdjadlkjfss
"UEBO CMERE WHATS THIS WORD"
"NO NO WAY I HATE YOU."