And she was like "I'm published!" And I didn't know this, but evidently when I was very small, my mother got paid for a few articles she submitted locally. Including $50 for an article about how my father was raising me during the day while she was at work.
It was entitled, "My Daddy is My Mommy," at which point I laughed so hard at my father's utter humiliation that i snorted a piece of shrimp up my nose.
THESE ARE MY GENETICS.