Here's desevera's request, some more of the "What Exactly Are the Duties of a Head Boy" fic-universe.
The interesting thing is, that I always did have a bit more story to that, I just never got around to writing it. Thanks for the invitation to let fly with the crazyness, Desevera.
Doing Your Duty As A Head Boy
"Augh!" Harry stomped into the Common Room and stopped in front of Hermione and Ron, glaring at them.
"What is it?" Hermione asked guardedly.
"MALFOY!" Harry roared, clearly just waiting for the chance to unload. "BLOODY FUCKING SODDING MALFOY!"
"What's he said to you now?" Ron asked, despite Hermione's look of 'no, don't!'
"He keeps addressing me as HEAD GIRL in all his announcements!" Harry raged, arms flailing wildly.
"But you keep doing it in all your announcements as well," Ron reminded him.
"NOT THE POINT!" Harry shouted.
"Harry, I think this has all gone a bit far," Hermione soothed. "Perhaps you should just talk to…"
"No!" Harry interrupted. "The time for talking is past! One more Head Girl joke, and I'm going to KISS HIS ASS!"
Hermione and Ron stared at Harry.
"KICK!" Harry amended hurriedly. "I'm to KICK his ass, not KISS it. Where did that come from?"
"No idea," Hermione said blandly, going back to her homework. Harry made a disgusted noise and stomped up to his room.
"Are you ever going to tell him about the curse?" Ron asked.
"Not yet," Hermione said.
* * * * * *
"Stupid Malfoy," Harry grumbled as he finished his essay on Why You Shouldn't Suck On Papercuts From Spelled Manuscripts. "Stupid Malfoy with his stupid hair and his stupid face and his stupid lips and his stupid tongue…"
Harry cut himself off abruptly, glancing around to make sure nobody had heard. Chalking it up to stress, Harry went back to his essay.
Harry looked up when he heard his name, but there was nobody at his library table. Furrowing his brow, he listened carefully.
"Stupid Potter with his stupid glasses."
Still seeing no one, Harry slid out of his chair and walked softly back towards the book shelf immediately behind his chair.
"Stupid Potter with his stupid glasses and his stupid scar and his stupid broom and his stupid arse and his stupid…"
Harry came around the corner and nearly ran into Draco checking book titles. Draco looked up and their eyes met, the last word lingering on his lips.
They were standing too close and Harry saw a glimpse of Draco's tongue, which up close wasn't very stupid at all.
And the next thing Harry knew, he was going in for better look. Or taste.
* * * * * *
"And the next thing I knew I was kissing him!" Harry exclaimed.
Ron and Hermione said nothing.
"Not just kissing him, snogging," Harry looked extremely perturbed, "and he pushed me up against the bookshelf and grabbed my arse, and then Madam Pince EJECTED us from the LIBRARY…"
Ron let out a little giggle.
"What?" Harry demanded. "Something funny?"
"No," Ron squeaked. He bit his lip, but snickers continued to escape.
Harry looked from Ron to Hermione's carefully blank face.
"What's going on here?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.
"You see Harry…" Ron tried to explain, then just gave up and clutched his sides laughing. "Hermione, just tell him," he gasped.
"Harry," Hermione said carefully, not meeting his eyes, "you remember at the very beginning of the year, you asked me to go find out whether or not there had ever been two Head Boys at once before?"
"And you said no," Harry answered, "confirming our suspicions that Dumbledore is a barmy old coot."
"Yes," Hermione said. "But I found something else too."
"Curse!" Ron gasped, face dark red from laughing. "Head Boy curse!"
"It isn't a curse!" Hermione snapped. "It's more of a…tradition."
"What is it?" Harry asked, reaching up to rub his temples.
"It's…" Hermione fussed with her quill, "…er, you see…"
"You're going to marry Malfoy!" Ron burst in, clearly relieved to finally be able to rag on Harry about this. Harry froze.
"Hermione, what is he talking about?" he asked carefully.
"Every other pair of Head students for the last thousand years have ended up falling in love," Hermione murmured very quickly, staring at the floor.
There was a long moment of silence, broken only by Ron's hysterical laughter.
"What happened to the Head students before the thousand years?" Harry asked.
"There wasn't a Hogwarts before that," Hermione said flatly.
"It can't be true!" Harry protested. "I mean, there's got to be at least one pair of Head Students who didn't fall in love!"
"Your parents," Hermione pointed out, so reasonably Harry wanted to rip her hair out. "Percy and Penelope…"
"Maybe it isn't really love!" Harry exclaimed frantically. "Maybe it's just frustration masquerading as lust brought on by stress! Did you ever think of that?!"
"Been thinking up excuses, have you?" Hermione asked, raising an eyebrow.
"NO!" Harry shouted, standing up so quickly he knocked his chair over. "I'm going to go straighten this out right now, you'll see!"
Harry stormed out of Gryffindor Tower, heading towards the Slytherin dungeons.
He wasn't more than halfway when he ran into Draco who was similarly enraged, cheeks flushed a bright pink.
"POTTER!" Draco shouted. "Snape found out about your little infatuation with groping me and took points away from Slytherin for lowering my standards!"
"If I remember CORRECTLY," Harry spat back, poking Malfoy in the chest, "it was YOU groping ME! But it DOESN’T MATTER, because I just learned the WORST THING EVER!"
"WHAT?!" Draco demanded, leaning in closer.
"Every pair of Head Students at Hogwarts for a THOUSAND YEARS has fallen MADLY IN LOVE!"
Draco stopped cold.
"Are you serious?" he asked.
"Yes," Harry answered grumpily.
"Good, then we aren't responsible for this," Draco said, right before he leaned across the last remaining centimeter between them and kissed Harry roughly.