Kitayama might be taking a picture of this (mousapelli) wrote,
Kitayama might be taking a picture of this

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Five points for permanent mental damage done to the staff

sociofemme, I finished the collaborative thinger. Here is is, tell me what you think. It turned into a bit of Harry/Draco after all, with voyeur!Hermione and permanentlydamaged!Snape.

Everybody else: If you remember Ellen's angry Hermione/Draco that she never finished a bit ago, go ahead and read this fantastic conclusion. If you don't remember it, and I'll be damned if I'm going to dig up the links right this second, essentially Hermione and Draco meet for illicit duels and end up getting it on, and Harry follows in the invisibility cloak and Hermione catches him wanking off under it, and then they get caught by Filch.

Harry sighed. "Let's go back to the Tower, Hermione. It's late, and we're likely to be caught."

"You have been caught," came Filch's delighted voice from the doorway. "Out late, are you, Mr. Potter? Miss Granger?"

Harry's eyes went wide, while Hermione, whose back wasn't to the door, struggled to keep her expression neutral. She did her best to look like her arms were simply folded around her rather than clutching an invisible cloak.

"Fine night for it apparently," Filch continued, grinning in triumph. "That'll be three I've caught just this hour!"

Hermione's lips were halfway into forming the word 'three' when she caught sight of a very disgruntled Draco being dragged along behind Filch. Caught between scowling and grinning, Hermione settled for pressing her lips into a thin line.


Filch leered at the three students while they waited for Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall to come and fetch their respective House members.

Hermione kept a neutral expression firmly in place, watching out of the corner of her eye as Draco scowled at the floor and Harry fidgeted nervously.

"Not to worry," Filch addressed Harry, "you'll get what's coming to you, yes you will."

Hermione was well aware that Harry was far more nervous about the fact that Hermione had hastily hidden his cloak on her way out the door and one of them would have to retrieve it early tomorrow morning, but Harry gave a little shudder anyway for effect.

Hermione was saving her feigned terror for McGonagall, figuring if she couldn't use her teacher's pet status now, what was the point of it?

McGonagall slammed into the door at last, followed closely by Snape, both in their dressing gowns and looking none-too-pleased about it.

"For shame!" McGonagall dug into them without preamble. "Gryffindors out in the middle of the night, illegal dueling, and don't even think about making that insipid 'poor teacher's pet' face at me, Miss Granger!"

Even Draco dragged his eyes up from the floor to look impressed as Hermione's cheeks went warm. Harry disguised a snicker as a cough.

"I think I shall give Professor Snape the honor of deciding your punishment," McGonagall finished. Harry relaxed visibly, being Hogwarts most decorated member of the Persecuted in Potions Detention Club, while Hermione gritted her teeth. That would mean serving detention with Malfoy, but one look at McGonagall said that now was not the time to argue, record number of OWLS or not.

Predictably, Snape ordered them to spend their entire Friday evening re-cataloging the schools supply of toxic potion ingredients.

"The fact that many of the toxins are housed in delicate glass bottles," Snape concluded his directions that Friday night, "should dissuade you from casting superfluous hexes about. But if you feel the need, by all means do." Snape's lips twisted into a thin smile. "Hogwarts could use several less illicit duelists disrupting the sleep of half the staff."

"Re-ordering all the ingredients?!" Draco raged indignantly when his Head of House was well out of earshot. "Whoever heard of ordering them by use? They're already in alphabetical order!"

"Oh shut it," Hermione said dismissively, glancing at the shelves that surrounded them from floor to ceiling.

"If anybody ought to complain, it's me," Harry added, "since Neville and I were the ones that alphabetized them last Friday in the first place. It was actually sort of fun, after a while."

"You are so lower class," Draco sniffed.

"I'm not the one demanding blowjobs from Gryffindors," Harry snapped back easily, a full heartbeat before he realized that he wasn't supposed to know that.

"You broke your word, Mudblood!" Draco rounded on Hermione, but Harry jerked him back by the shoulder.

"Leave her alone, Malfoy," he said, "Hermione didn't tell me, I followed her in case she needed me to protect her from you."

"Protect me?!" Hermione snapped. "You followed me so you could hide in a corner and wank, you little tosser!"

Draco eyed Harry.

"Wank?" he asked. "Really?"

"Er," Harry fussed with his glasses, "no proof of that actually…"

"Oh, come off it," Hermione glared at him, "If Filch had cast Priori Incantem on your wand, I'd bet my Auto-Correcting Quill he'd have seen a Scourgify come oozing out."

"Her or me?" Malfoy asked.

"I have no idea what…" Harry glanced from Hermione to Draco and gave it up. "You, Malfoy." Malfoy looked like someone had smacked him about the head with a House Elf.

"It isn't Broom Aerodynamics," Hermione put in, "you two chase after each other all the time, whipping out your pointy bits of wood at a moment's notice…don't stare at me like I'm daft, you're completely obvious. If you aren't going to snog, perhaps we ought to get to the ingredients? They need to be ordered in the next three hours."

Harry and Draco craned their necks to see the very top of the shelves, stared for a long moment, then looked at each other. Then Harry shoved Draco against the shelf and kissed the hell out of him. Draco responded by biting Harry's lower lip hard enough to draw blood, and the moan that followed could have been from either of them.

Hermione backed up until she bumped into the small table meant for writing labels and pulled herself up to sit on it, swinging her legs. If Harry'd gotten such a good show, why shouldn't she?

Malfoy wasn't fooling around either; he'd already got Harry's robes out of the way and was working on the other boy's trousers, while Harry had gotten distracted by the taste of Draco's neck and how his hair did a remarkable impression of Harry's when rough fingers were run through it.

When Draco slid down against the shelf to give Harry's cock an experimental lick, Hermione had a sudden brilliant idea and whispered an 'Accio'.

Harry arched as Draco swallowed more than half of him in one go, and one flailing arm sent a glass vile from the shelf behind him crashing to the stone floor. The tableau froze as both boys watched the viscous blue gunk eat a grapefruit-sized hole in the stone and drop through the floor, shattered glass and all.

Draco slipped Potter's wand out of his pocket, pointed it at the hole and murmured 'Reparo', the spell fixing the stone obediently even though Draco had not bothered to removed Harry's cock from his mouth for the whole performance. Harry carefully lowered his arms to one shelf down as Draco resumed and went back to flailing.

"Oh Christ, Malfoy!" said Harry.

"Mmm muh huh, Aher," said Draco.

"Click!" said Colin Creevey's camera. Harry and Draco froze again and turned to Hermione, eyes wide.

"Gotcha," said Hermione, holding up the camera with a feral grin.

"Hermione, what are you…" Harry started asking, then interrupted himself with a sharp moan. "Draco! Hold on a moment, can't you?!"

"Ee's alwe-ee ah uh aw fwilm," Draco pointed out, far more reasonably than one should manage to be while sucking off their childhood rival.

"Right, might as well finish up then," Harry agreed, dropping one hand to grip Draco's hair.


"Miss Granger, what is it that you simply had to discuss with me?" Snape demanded, shutting his office door with a bang.

Hermione flipped the Wizarding Photo down onto his desk. Snape leaned down to see, then recoiled, nearly knocking half the contents of his desk to the floor.

"Five points from Gryffindor for lack of sufficient warning!" he snapped. "And another five for permanent mental damage done to Hogwarts staff! What is the meaning of this?!"

"I just thought you ought to know," Hermione explained, "that I've got the Malfoy problem well in hand. No pun intended," she added after a moment's consideration.

"Has it occurred to you, Miss Granger," Snape retorted, "that Draco might just as easily convince Potter to be a Death Eater?"

"The only person eating things around here," Hermione said confidently, "is Malfoy."

"I am going to be violently ill," Snape announced, "so I suggest you remove yourself and your…item…from my office so I may retch in peace. And may I suggest inflicting your 'help' on your own Head of House from now on?"

Hermione heard a pained "Obliviate" behind her as Snape's door swung shut. She all but skipped down the hall to her next class, wallowing in the notion that she had Draco Malfoy by the balls at last. Her plan had worked marvelously at last, as they all must sooner or later.

Several days of careful consideration brought Hermione to the conclusion that she might as well stop fooling around and go straight to the top, where she could effect real change.

"Where are you off to?" Ron narrowed his eyes. "You and Harry keep disappearing, it's starting to get a bit odd."

"Dumbledore's office," Hermione answered sweetly, turning to go. "And Harry hasn't disappeared," she said over her shoulder, "he's underneath the table with Malfoy."

"AAH!" Ron screamed. "I thought I was kicking the table!"

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