Kitayama might be taking a picture of this (mousapelli) wrote,
Kitayama might be taking a picture of this
mousapelli

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calming mantra failure

yaaaaaaaawn. Took an accidental 2-hour nap after training at school all day, which would have been fine except I had to get back up to do laundry and go to the grocery store and stuff. I really need to redo my nails as well, but it's already 7pm, so I'm not sure I see that happening.

Started working on Trick or Fic and it's not going very quickly but I have settled on an idea I think, finally. Last year's turned out so well, so the whole time I'm writing I'm worried this one won't be nearly as good. Either way, I'd really like to get it out of the way to start my Hols fic/pinch, because then NaNo starts right after that. I have JE Remix tabbed still, but it's due date is the same as Hols, so that seems like a terrible idea. I am excited for the warmup round of FQF, though.

We had some pretty crazy rain Friday into Saturday and it's definitely staying colder overnight, so it looks like fall is here. Yay! I like this part best, where we get really nice, sunny days, but then it's cold enough to sleep under blankets properly at night.

Both DC brother and trucker brother were home over the weekend, so I had lunch and dinner with them yesterday. We did birthday dinner over the weekend because it's my mom, oldest brother, and sister-in-law's birthday all back to back, and my mother was predictably a crank about the whole thing. DC bro and I discussed our concerns that if my parents' marriage lasts the whole way until she retires in May, then it might not make it through both of them being home all the time.

So my mother has still not talked to me at all about the whole girlfriend thing, and this is since June when I told them. I asked 3B if she still seemed upset or whatever, because she talks to him about stuff more often on the phone since he's the baby I guess, and he didn't really know either. I keep saying that I don't care, if she wants to pretend outwardly that nothing is up, then fine, and it's true on the one hand that I don't care in the sense that her feelings on the subject affect my life zero percent. I don't live with them, depend on them for money, whatever.

But it turns out that this is a lot like the Latin Festival, where I keep saying "I don't care I don't care" as if that will make it true and it clearly isn't. and I'm not upset upset, I'm more like...irritated. Frustrated? Because I feel like by now if she were going to bring it up, she would have, which means if anybody's going to ever, it'll have to be me, and you know, I just don't want to because it'll probably be ugly and I guess I'm a terrible Aries because it's not a conflict I super psyched about having. But I don't feel like 'i guess we'll never talk about this ever' is probably the right thing either.

It's also true that since 3B had a long-distance relationship for so long with Italian girlfriend, I can unfortunately make a pretty apples to apples comparison, where for all that time I feel like we talked about her kind of a lot, and that specifically my mother wanted to talk about it with me a lot, and you know now that Italian Girlfriend lives with my brother we continue to talk about her with regularity. I'm not generally jealous of my brother or whatever (get a job, dammit), but it's hard not to be a little irritated about it the longer it goes on. At least my dad has the decency to ask casual hey how's it going questions every once in a while.

Sidenote: bless that poor man, because he has made the 2-hr to the Philly airport to pick up broken-hearted kid from long-distance girlfriend visit trip at least a dozen times between my brother and me. He was probably so psyched to quit doing that when Italian girlfriend finally moved here for permanent last fall, and then I go and start it all over again.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm trying to say, maybe just that I'm sick of being the adult all the time with my mother, and I neither want to do this right now nor put it off forever longer. It's not like I want her to be upset with me, but on the other hand since nothing makes her happy, why should I be any different? She gets so bent out of shape over seeing/not seeing the only grandkid (yes that's right, both make her upset), certainly I'm not going to have any more right answers than that.

And I purposely told her and my father about the girlfriend at the same time so that she wouldn't get all 'you don't tell me anything, I don't matter' about it, but I don't think that helped at all. I was ready to tell my dad way earlier and maybe I just should have. Sooner or later I'm going to have to tell them she is moving here and it's the same thing, I'm totally ready to tell my dad/brothers (actually I told 3B this weekend), but I'm torn between just say right now/wait for thanksgiving/wait until Thanksgiving is over. I feel like right now she's fixated on Thanksgiving so maybe adding something else is bad, but at Thanksgiving seems like a +1 more thing choice, and then after that it starts to be like well now it's really close why didn't you say sooner how long ago did you know this what do you mean like months ago.

the joke is that it doesn't matter, it'll be the same drama any way I do it. She'll just get all worked up about adding somebody else into my apartment which she already tries to talk me out of constantly and all this other junk that just doesn't matter and the whole time I'll be thinking "How much of a shock can this possibly be when I've been de-hoarding my stuff for months?!" If you could have even seen the pile of yard sale stuff way back in May, and knew me at all, you would have been like "you are going to try and fit another person in here" as the only plausible option.

NONE OF THIS SHOULD BE SHOCKING I HAD A GIRLFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL GRRRRRRRR. ugh fuck everything whatever. My dad and brothers all seem to be at the 'we're just glad anybody in the whole world finds you lovable at your age' stage, and I don't see my mother getting there. I'm even the girl! what more do you want from me! ヽ(#`Д´)ノ

temper tantrum over. sigh, I sort of feel better now for getting that out. Not that it changes anything, but whatever, I don't care. I already did all the really hard parts and the rest of it is going to be fine because I say it is, so there.

Entry also posted at http://mousapelli.dreamwidth.org/859097.html if you'd rather comment there.
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