Kitayama might be taking a picture of this (mousapelli) wrote,
Kitayama might be taking a picture of this
mousapelli

  • Mood:

if I had any sense I would take the Mirrorball cd out of my car

Somehow I spent all night with my mother at a Chinese cultural performance. she pitched the idea yesterday morning when I was leaving the lady doctor's office to go back to school and I was too depressed at that moment to do anything besides just keep saying "okay" so that she would get off the phone. sidenote: i was dutifully probed (who on earth thought internal ultrasounds would be better, jesus christ) and they said everything is normal and long story short I'm giving up on this whole lady doctor thing, as previously mentioned.

I tore through the rest of the Raven Boys canon and then read like every explicit Adam/Ronan fic on Ao3 and some on Tumblr, because yes. At first I was just pleased they were super shippable but then halfway through DT I was like...wait, is this actually happening? And then by LB I had noticed a lot of parallel narrative between Blue and Gansey, and then Adam and Ronan, so. I am excite. I gather from the interwebs that Stiefvater has been hinting at writing kissing and stuff. It would be super awesome if the series gained enough traction over the summer that the last book would have a midnight party. I miss those.

And then I wrote fic. I wrote like one fic and three halves. It's been about a zillion years since any fandom made me want to write really abruptly like that, and then I actually did it, so that's nice. Also people on Ao3 seem mildly excited about that which hasn't happened for a zillion years either. I'm scared to hope it will last longer than three seconds. I'm just going to keep writing as much fic as I can while it lasts.

I recognize that I'm disproportionately distressed by the breakdown of commenting/interaction/communicative whatever in fandom, but like, you don't understand. My RL friends keep leaving/getting married/quitting, and I didn't have that many to start with. Fandom is the thing that's been covering up my inability to get somebody to date me or even be in-person friends for the last, idk, 15 years? So being sad fandom moved to twitter and then tumblr feels exactly like when my RL friends go away -- you can't be like "no don't get married or go back to school or have that baby you can't leave me," there's nothing you can do about it. Equivalently I realize that it's not ideal to have some amount of self-worth tied into how much attention writing gets me, but... it's not coming from anywhere else, and it hardly ever does, so. I just need intensely for fandom to stop feeling like it's left me behind too.

Also my birthday is next weekend and my mother keeps asking questions about what I want to do, and the answer is nothing, especially not put up with all my brothers and my nephew. I don't especially feel like celebrating how until probably always my birthday is now the anniversary of the last time I could coerce somebody into having quasi-unwilling sex with me. Nor do I especially want to explain that to my mother.

Entry also posted at http://mousapelli.dreamwidth.org/877587.html if you'd rather comment there.
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